The Big (fake) Cheese

Let me take you back to 2003. I was eleven years old and part of the ‘Peer Support’ crew at my elementary school. It was kind of a big deal. All of my friends were part of peer support. We wore flourescent yellow vests and walked around at recess and lunch and were responsible for reporting acts of bullying or litter or public urination to the teachers. Basically, we ran shit.

We were also rewarded for our services. One time, for instance, we got really terrible seats at a Calgary Hitmen game. We were cold and they fed us cheese and broccoli soup. Actually, they fed us melted cheesewiz with broccoli floaters.

I won’t be a jerk and tell you that the taste of artificial cheese makes me want to gag. That that radio active powder that makes Kraft dinner sauce repulses me or that the dust left on my lap and congealed to my fingers after going to town on a bag of Cheetos is so off-putting I just can’t even think about it. No, fake cheese is delicious. Stop trying to kid yourself.

Thank goodness, for us weird health conscious people, you can get that flavour from nutritional yeast! MMM flakey cheesy fish food fake cheese powder!

‘Cheese’ and Broccoli Soup

Serves 3-4

1 tbsp. vegan margerine (Earth Balance)
1/2 large onion, chopped
1 clove of garlic
1 540 mL can white kidney beans
1 small russet potato, peeled and grated
3 cups vegetable broth
1 cup unsweetened almond milk
1/3 c. nutritional yeast
2 c. chopped broccoli florets
1/2 tsp. turmeric
salt and pepper to taste

DIRECTIONSIn a medium pot, heat the margarine at medium heat. Add onion and saute until translucent, about 10 minutes. Add garlic, potato, beans, vegetable broth, almond milk, nutritional yeast and turmeric. Simmer for 10 minutes until potato is tender. Puree soup with an immersion blender and season to taste.

Meanwhile, steam broccoli for seven minutes until tender but still have some bite. Mix broccoli into soup after you have pureed it.

Enjoyed with brown butter whole wheat soda bread (to die for)

Last Laugh:

Brother: Did you fart?

Me: No, I’m steaming broccoli.


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